This week is the 10 year mark that I have spent in Kansas/Missouri. I originally made the move from Denver to attend the University of Kansas and after graduating, I have since moved to Kansas City. This means I have spent a decade driving one of the most boring stretches of highway in North America.
If you have ever made this drive, you know how it goes. Nothing. Absolutely nothing for 8-9 hours. Of course that’s not entirely true, I guess. There’s a random windmill farm, a plethora of hay bales and certainly no shortage of Jesus propaganda. Sure, it’s a nice concession that Kansas raised their speed limit to 75, but an 8-hour drive through this state makes most 20-hour drives feel like you’re running to the grocery store.
We just made the drive this past weekend so consider this post a little tribute. And this alone is proof as to how boring the drive is because I conceived this whilst I was driving. You too would do anything to keep yourself entertained in such arduous circumstances.
Here are the 7 Phases one goes through while making said drive:
1
2 Hours into drive: Hm, this isn’t actually going to be that bad (chugs coffee).
2
2-3 Hours: Wow. We’re making great time. This is going to be a personal record. No one will believe me when I tell them how short the drive was. They’ll think I found some sort of wormhole or something (sips coffee).
3
3-4 Hours: Okay… (sips more coffee)
3
4.1 Hours: I have to pee so bad right now. Holy hell… how long is it going to be? S#&*! I can’t wait 20 miles ’til the next rest stop. That bottle empty over there on the floor?
3
4.2-4.5 Hours: Okay, whew. That was a close one… I’m empty, tank’s full. This isn’t actually going to be that bad. Now back on the road (chugs coffee).
4
4.6-feelslikeeternity: Borrrred. Counted all the lane dividers for the past 50 miles. This seriously sucks. I think I passed that truck 6 times. Who farted? Gross, was that a bug that hit the windshield or a pterodactyl?
5
~ O_o ~ Hours: Zombie mode. Steady groaning. Drooling. Dead inside.
6
Ugh-7.9 Hours: I’m never making this F*%&ING drive again. I don’t care if plane tickets are $2000, I’m flying next time. My ass hurts. If I get cut off by another U-Haul, I’m gonna flip my shit. Please shoot meeeeEEEE-UGH.
7
8 Hours: Hm, that wasn’t that bad.
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